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Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.