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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.