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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!