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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.