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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.