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I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.