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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.