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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.