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Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge