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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.