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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.