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You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.