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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
i only drink on days that end with y
Girls just wanna have funds.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.