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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?