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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?