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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"