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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.