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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.