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Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?