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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.