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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?