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Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.