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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.