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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?