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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.