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Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman