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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!