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Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.