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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?