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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.