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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.