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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.