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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
I had your cake and ate it too.