Daily Silly Status

Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.

I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.

Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.

I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.

I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.

I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.

I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.

Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?

It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes

Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.

I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?