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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....