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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.