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People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!