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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?