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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.