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I`m going to hell in every religion!
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar