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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.