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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.