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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.