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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
life is too short to match socks
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Doormats are a gateway rug.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.