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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
At least a stalker is there for you.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.