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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..