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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.