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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.