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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.