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Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.