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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”