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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point