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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.