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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.