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You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.