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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Gun Control: Use both hands
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.