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You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves