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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.