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My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...