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How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??