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The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
You had me at 0 mutual friends