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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...