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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.