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You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.