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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
Yes, your opinion matters ... But not to me.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.