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Why is it called "Alien vs Predator"? Isn`t predator an alien too? They should`ve just called it "Some Aliens"
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.