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Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized Iād just put my hoodie on backwards
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.