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Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.