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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?