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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I have off-road rage, too
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?