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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"