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I don`t care about your status...
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.