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Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.