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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.