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I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?