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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.