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I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted