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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2