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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Iām a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.