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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...