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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.