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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.