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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
It’s a status….not your diary…