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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.