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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!