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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry