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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson