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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.