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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.