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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.