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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
Not so great minds also think alike.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles