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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well