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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?