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We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Iām not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty