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If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!