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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.