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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time