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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.