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If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"