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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?