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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.