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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.